career, profession or passion?

i just submitted my application letter and resume kanina sa center. i still am not 100% sure that i really wanna work there as a ftw still. i have my doubts. i chatted with jonathan kanina and he just told me to go for it, "His blessings will be bountiful" (or something like that). i trust jonathan and his advices to me. he's one of the few guys you can really talk to and trust and give good judgment and give you sound advice. anyways, i did submit it kanina but i wasn't able to talk with tito vic. he was busy.

i have my doubts with working for gk. i am not so sure of where my heart is right now. i am just holding on to that dream i had before, to that passion that pushed me to finish architecture. i strived to finish architecture because i want to serve as an architect to GK. right now, i am not so sure if i still feel the same way, if the calling is there. advantages of working for GK, i would not have much prob with my co-workers. we have the same ideals despite the different attitudes etc. i wouldn't be wayward. i am scared of working outside because of the co-workers. i have seen how they get together and spend their time. do i have to be like them to like them? maybe i am just making sure that i am safe and secure. i am in my comfort zone if i work for GK in terms of people. but for its disadvantages, i am not sure of what i will learn. yes, tita sylvia MIGHT or COULD be there to serve as a mentor. but i am not so confident of what i could be fully learning as a FTW. i need to know of how to be an architect. i need to be properly exposed to architecture in preparation for my board exam which is in less than 2 years. the months and days go so fast. i haven't achieved things good for my career these past four months.

if i do work outside, i still am scared. i am scared of finding out how mediocre i am. i am scared of knowing that i don't know enough. simple, i'm scared of the outside world. people see me differently. they think that i can do it, i know more than they do cause i was the whiz kid in school. they see me as a confident person who has good skills and can actually make it into the architecture profession. i don't think i can. i am so scared of failing. again. i am scared. and i don't know who to turn to. a lot of people are on my mind. but i just can't tell them. i can't find the perfect time to tell them. they think i am okay of where i am. but they just don't get it. i am simply scared of going out of my comfort zone. heck! i could just be the yaya of my niece and other coming pamangkins. that would be comfortable and simple for me. i could do that. but i won't and i can't. that would be such a failure for my part. nag-aral pa ako ng sampung taon?!

so what should i do? yeah! i know, i should pray and discern for this. its a big decision. but do i still pray?