career, profession or passion?

i just submitted my application letter and resume kanina sa center. i still am not 100% sure that i really wanna work there as a ftw still. i have my doubts. i chatted with jonathan kanina and he just told me to go for it, "His blessings will be bountiful" (or something like that). i trust jonathan and his advices to me. he's one of the few guys you can really talk to and trust and give good judgment and give you sound advice. anyways, i did submit it kanina but i wasn't able to talk with tito vic. he was busy.

i have my doubts with working for gk. i am not so sure of where my heart is right now. i am just holding on to that dream i had before, to that passion that pushed me to finish architecture. i strived to finish architecture because i want to serve as an architect to GK. right now, i am not so sure if i still feel the same way, if the calling is there. advantages of working for GK, i would not have much prob with my co-workers. we have the same ideals despite the different attitudes etc. i wouldn't be wayward. i am scared of working outside because of the co-workers. i have seen how they get together and spend their time. do i have to be like them to like them? maybe i am just making sure that i am safe and secure. i am in my comfort zone if i work for GK in terms of people. but for its disadvantages, i am not sure of what i will learn. yes, tita sylvia MIGHT or COULD be there to serve as a mentor. but i am not so confident of what i could be fully learning as a FTW. i need to know of how to be an architect. i need to be properly exposed to architecture in preparation for my board exam which is in less than 2 years. the months and days go so fast. i haven't achieved things good for my career these past four months.

if i do work outside, i still am scared. i am scared of finding out how mediocre i am. i am scared of knowing that i don't know enough. simple, i'm scared of the outside world. people see me differently. they think that i can do it, i know more than they do cause i was the whiz kid in school. they see me as a confident person who has good skills and can actually make it into the architecture profession. i don't think i can. i am so scared of failing. again. i am scared. and i don't know who to turn to. a lot of people are on my mind. but i just can't tell them. i can't find the perfect time to tell them. they think i am okay of where i am. but they just don't get it. i am simply scared of going out of my comfort zone. heck! i could just be the yaya of my niece and other coming pamangkins. that would be comfortable and simple for me. i could do that. but i won't and i can't. that would be such a failure for my part. nag-aral pa ako ng sampung taon?!

so what should i do? yeah! i know, i should pray and discern for this. its a big decision. but do i still pray?

i still think of him

i had a bad dream one night. the dream was about the arki board exams and we were in the design part already. i was in my table and read the design problem. i panicked and was only able to draw a single horizontal line. i cried. i woke up and guess who i thought of first.... Kaloy.

he always comforted me and boosts my confidence. he knows my weaknesses and knows how to encourage me when i feel really down. why him? is he really the one for me? i sometimes think that he isn't, sometimes he is. as i looked back on our relationship, i now know that i'm the one who made the mistake. he had his faults and i made it worse because i couldn't accept him as he is. i was a perfectionist and i had my ideals in a relationship. is it wrong to have standards or ideals? what if it is not met, would it be wrong to end the relationship because the standards are not met?

i need somebody to talk to but sometimes my friends could not help me find the answers. or maybe i just don't like their answers.

i am a head over heart person. i would rather do things base on what i think rather on what i feel.

moving but i don't know where

i have to make my move. i'm pretty stagnated here in the house. sometimes i feel like i didn't have to finish my degree in architecture coz all i'll ever be is the yaya of my niece. i'm scared to work outside the philippines. i'm scared of what i'll discover about myself. i am not that confident with what i know and what i could do. i am scared to discover my mediocrity and that i was pretending all along that i was good in arhitecture. i wish i could stay in the classrooms. i am much more confident in studying and taking exams.

i want to get out of the house and move to singapore or dubai. but there's a prob, i am scared and worried and unconfident.

i had trouble sleeping one night. i had a lot of ideas then. i wanted to write two things. one was a story about my friendship with patrick and sha2 entitled "the story of three". i planned to create with our pictures throughout the schoolyear. the 2nd idea was to write something about what i learned while working for the yearbook. it would be something like "what i learned in kindergarten". i just discovered that in any group or organization, it would always be friendship that is important. not the activities, not the meetings but the the friendship.

best friends falling in love?

what do you do when your best friend (opposite sex) tells you that he liked you? even during the time he had a girlfriend who was also your friend.

what do you say to him if he tells you that "sana ikaw na lang yung girlfriend ko?"

what do you conclude when he often says i love you my best friend?

why would tell your best friend you missed her?

what happens if both of you fall in love with each other?

things could get complicated, that's one thing i'm sure about. he's my friend's ex-boyfriend and i'm his friend's ex-girlfriend. we shared our relationship problems before and up to now.

yeah, i do like him. of course i do, he wouldn't be my best friend if i didn't right? but how much do i like him? i choose not to answer that question right now.

we keep in touch through text. i pour out my heartaches to him and he's there when i need somebody to talk to. before i forget, he has a girlfriend. i know his gf knows i exist. we already had an exchange of text messages before due to his ex-girlfriend's situation. nyways, i'm not sure if this current girlfriend knows who i really am in his life.

i never thought of falling in love with him before or he would fall in love with me. he was my friend, we both had our own relationships. what changed it all was his sudden confession of "unrequited crush". i didn't see that coming. jeez, i'm not a high school girl. i don't fall in love easily especially with a guy who i treat as my best friend. love is a self-decision. i can decide if i'll like you or if i'll fall in love with you.

why am i confusing myself? its not my problem. if he pursues to change our present platonic relationship, what do i tell him? its complicated simply because of our common set of friends and ex-partners. i do not want create that certain gap between our group.

i'll know what to do when we get in the crossroads of our friendship. i hope...