being female

sometimes i hate being a girl. especially when it comes to love. why can't i just say to a guy that i like him? why does our culture say that its not proper to do so? why is propriety much more important than my feelings?

guys get more advantage in the love issue. they see a girl, fall in love and they can freely express how they feel, no matter what the outcome of such proclamation of love. they get heartbroken but at least they've expressed it to the ONE.

but girls, NO WAY! i've never done it even if i wanted so. it hurts so much to love (or to think you're in love) with someone and you can't tell HIM. i can't even tell him that i miss him when we chat. i do miss him. he's one of the reasons i want to work in dubai. i miss having him around and just hanging out. i'm always online these days, hoping and waiting for him to be online too. the times we chatted made up a lot for the week of work ahead of me. i was just happy.

there's a lot of WHAT IFs in my head. what if he also likes me? what if he already liked me then but just got scared? but who am i fooling? he wouldn't like me the way i like him. huhummm, the pain of being female. you just wouldn't know until the guys would say so first. i've been in this rut so many times. liking a guy and having this major league crush on him. but this time, there's something different, he's one of my closest guy friends. the previous crushes i had were guys i wasn't close with. just some random guy i liked at first sight and liked much more as i got to know somethings about them.

its just so different now. i didn't like him at first. i never thought we'd be this close. i know his faults and flaws. i don't like his smoking habit nor his stories bout past relationships. why did i fall in love with him after learning all of his flaws? does this mean that what i'm feeling is for real? he does not even fall into the category of boy-next-door types i usually like. he's not even quiet. he keeps on talking and talking. uggh! why am i torturing myself? because sometimes loving someone feels so much better than having no feelings at all. i would rather delude myself than go through each day without that hope, that maybe he also feels the same way.

way back into love. this is our song. we are on the same boat, same phase. both brokenhearted, both looking for someone to love. jeez! how can you be so blind? why can't you just see that i am here? "all i wanna do is find my way back into love. if i open my heart again, i guess i'll find you in the end."