hahahaha after several weeks/ months of being in denial, i finally admitted it. i do like my close friend, __________. i am not yet sure if i am falling in love with him or already in love with him. im just sure that i do like him. the feelings are not yet that strong but i guess it will since i have already admitted out loud to a few chosen friends.
i don't want to fall in love with him. he's __________! for God's sake. he's not my type and i'm sure i'm not his type either. so why the heck did i fall for him? i found him cute when we first met but i wasn't really attracted to him. he wasn't that cute really and the smoker's habit is not exactly my thing.
how it all started? we had common friends already, we've been introduced. but we don't talk with each other. we became close friends primarily because of the yearbook. we ended up working and hanging out together most of the time. the yearbook really started it all, we both never expected that we'd become this close. we had the yearbook screening last year sometime august (maybe september). we both have strong personalities, we just can't keep our mouths shut. nyways, after that screening, i had to go to cityhall for my thesis and he went along with me. he also had an arki project that he needed to finish. so we went to cityhall together and did what we had to follow up. however, he had to go to PTA for more research. he asked me if i had anything else to do and if i could accompany him. i wasn't that busy and was too bored to go home so i went with him. we got along fine. he was talkative and we could easily get into a conversation. we had fun talking with the engineer in charge with the PTA project.
so that's how our friendship started. we have been talking about a lot of things, from lovelife to family to friends to ideas and hobbies. well, most of the time he does the talking and i do the listening. he even tells me about his past experiences with girlfriends and sexcounters. i asked him one time why he was telling me all those stories. i wasn't interested on knowing what happened to him and his ex gfs nor did not even ask him to share it to me. he just went on and told me about it. he is so comfortable with me and sometimes i don't mind letting him do the babbling. through all of his talks and stories, i've gotten to know more about him and even got to understand him better than he understands himself.
my relationship with him? hmmm... we're cool with each other. we have no expectations from each other in the love relationship aspect. we're just good friends even if a lot of people doubt our true realtionship and find us perfect for each other. they think since we're both short, we're look cute together and we seem to have this compatibility in terms of hobbies and family life. we're both youngest kids in the family and have tendencies to be spoiled. the point is, we have a lot in common. i don't exactly understand what other people see when we are together. we seem to emit this certain thing that makes them think that he's my boyfriend. we're not even sweet to each other. we've never held hands. well we did, but he had to help me climb up the hill at lolengs. he's actually a very sweet and malambing kind of guy. but not to me. maybe i project something that does not encourage him to be. or maybe he respects me too much or simply scared to do so. we've had several arguments and disagreements. he had gotten a dose of my silent treatment warfare. i already sensed that time that something must be going on, since i know that the silent treatment mood was just for people who really knows me and i feel strongly for. it would something i'd do to my family, closest friends and boyfriend. it lasted for more than a month. we got talking again during my thesis defense and everything went ok for us again. there was a time when we met up at the arki office with our yearbook friends. they told me that __________ had been talking of nobody else but me. i didnt think about it that time, i was too busy with my thesis. but i do remember the look in his face when our friend told me about it. he looked embarassed and guilty, pissed off that our friend told the 'truth'. i'm not sure how i should i interpret that.
i knew i missed him when i went out of the country for two weeks. i kept thinking about him then. i daydreamed that maybe when i get back, he'll be missing me also and finally profess confess his feelings for me. hahhahaa i really am this romantic idealist. anyways, that didn't happen. i just brought myself back to reality. he's _______ and i'm not his type. wake up girl!!! he's not even your type and why are you falling for him?!
so what now? we are still good friends. i don't sense any romantic feelings coming from him. whenever we meet up with someone who asks if we are on a date, he doesn't exactly burst out to clarify our relationship. he just calmly says we're not dating. unlike me, i would automatically say "we're not dating" or "we're cousins, that's incest." last saturday, kadayawan, aying of midtown texted him and asked who was the girl he was dating. i think he saw us together taking pictures. ________ told me about the text message. i was looking over to the camera he was holding and also got a view of his celphone. he was typing a reply. i just got to read the first line. "dili uso ang date2 ron." i don't know what went after that line.
i got to first admit that i liked him was to weng. "i don't want to fall in love with ______" that's what i told her. but i already am. what's holding me back? its just not me, not in my personality to go and tell a guy i like him. i am scared of being rejected and losing a friend. i would rather have him as a friend as for the moment. he's leaving for dubai sometime in september. part of me thinks that i shouldn't tell him because i don't want him to feel any pain of leaving someone behind. that is, if our feelings are actually mutual. i am not sure if i could handle a long distance relationship. it would have its advantages for me but i'm not sure if i could really handle it. i also don't trust him with my heart. he's your typical polygamous guy.
maybe he's not exactly my type. maybe he's not the guy for me...... but still i like him.