being female

sometimes i hate being a girl. especially when it comes to love. why can't i just say to a guy that i like him? why does our culture say that its not proper to do so? why is propriety much more important than my feelings?

guys get more advantage in the love issue. they see a girl, fall in love and they can freely express how they feel, no matter what the outcome of such proclamation of love. they get heartbroken but at least they've expressed it to the ONE.

but girls, NO WAY! i've never done it even if i wanted so. it hurts so much to love (or to think you're in love) with someone and you can't tell HIM. i can't even tell him that i miss him when we chat. i do miss him. he's one of the reasons i want to work in dubai. i miss having him around and just hanging out. i'm always online these days, hoping and waiting for him to be online too. the times we chatted made up a lot for the week of work ahead of me. i was just happy.

there's a lot of WHAT IFs in my head. what if he also likes me? what if he already liked me then but just got scared? but who am i fooling? he wouldn't like me the way i like him. huhummm, the pain of being female. you just wouldn't know until the guys would say so first. i've been in this rut so many times. liking a guy and having this major league crush on him. but this time, there's something different, he's one of my closest guy friends. the previous crushes i had were guys i wasn't close with. just some random guy i liked at first sight and liked much more as i got to know somethings about them.

its just so different now. i didn't like him at first. i never thought we'd be this close. i know his faults and flaws. i don't like his smoking habit nor his stories bout past relationships. why did i fall in love with him after learning all of his flaws? does this mean that what i'm feeling is for real? he does not even fall into the category of boy-next-door types i usually like. he's not even quiet. he keeps on talking and talking. uggh! why am i torturing myself? because sometimes loving someone feels so much better than having no feelings at all. i would rather delude myself than go through each day without that hope, that maybe he also feels the same way.

way back into love. this is our song. we are on the same boat, same phase. both brokenhearted, both looking for someone to love. jeez! how can you be so blind? why can't you just see that i am here? "all i wanna do is find my way back into love. if i open my heart again, i guess i'll find you in the end."

virus kills

i've had very stressful week. the laptop bugged down on monday night. it would have been a simple reformat for drive C if the technician had been careful enough and had bothered to back up first documents in drive D. but he hadn't. my turmoil stretched till thursday night. i wished i hadn't brought it to UM. i wish i had waited for the technician who would have been available on wed this week. but i was too impatient to wait for 1 night and brought the laptop to UM. hahay! nasa huli ang pagsisi. a lot of files were not recovered. some were recovered but could not be opened. i think it got corrupted. the lessons learned from the experience:

1. back-up files always - CD write!
2. virus check USB flashdrives and cds before opening
3. update anti-virus applications always - Kaspersky is highly recommended
4. DeepFreeze is also recommended
5. don't open the YM automatic unreadable message sent - ITS A VIRUS!!!!
6. before reformatting, back-up files
7. don't trust the technician, stay and watch during the process
8. PATIENCE is a VIRTUE. - wait another day for a better technician. Don't settle for someone who has a cheaper fee. Your files are worth more than what you could be paying.

i lost a lot of files. i was able to burn most of it. but the most important files, MY CAD and SKETCH-UP files for work were corrupted. huhuhu i guess its back to the drawing board for me. waaahhh! why does the samson cad file have to be the one corrupted?! it was the one with the most drawings, biggest file size, the first cadworks i did for my apprenticeship and the one i slaved measuring on site. why?! why?!

i hate computer VIRUSES! i hate those people who made those viruses! i hate those people who doesn't bother to clean-up their computers and flashdrives!!

working

what i like:
1. getting to be alone in the office
2. the silence
3. i get to choose my own music and play it again and again if i want to
4. flexible time, i can get myself excused and leave earlier when i want to.hehehehe
5. i'm learning a lot more with autocad
6. working on my own laptop
7. the pay is fine, a whole lot better than P28 per day
8. working alone


what i don't like:
1. my boss hovering and fussing over while i'm working
2. the overtime work and not getting paid for it
3. bringing my laptop everyday, its heavy
4. being alone and have no one to talk to the whole day
5. there's no internet connection
6. assumed to be the "secretary" (DAMN! im an apprentice. so what if i'm a girl architect?!)
7. jeepney rides

series of unfortunate events

so many things have happened between my last entry til today.

day after i didnt get the job where i really wanted to work, i texted all of my arki friends from UP. it was a weird day.... it just proved to me that there was really a tomorrow... i didn't have to get all bent up and frustrated over not getting what i want. there was still a lot more out there. anyways, i texted my friends and got some replies. one of the replies was not from my friend, not from who i thought it was. i thought it was anne's number but it just so happened it was the SMART company number in Makati. the funny thing was, they were indeed looking for cad operators. all i had to do was email my resume and if i could, go to manila for an interview asap. i would have gone if i hadn't gotten a job that very afternoon also. sha texted me that an architect was looking for an apprentice, waiting at sir gonzaga's house. so i got there without any interest on working for the architect. but i got it anyway, until i had something feasible and better. the next day, i got a text from trix asking me i want to work in oman with her. of course i did... i sent all the requirements to her and she submitted to her boss...

so amidst my failure in getting to what i want, i had a lot of offers... i even got an offer to be a photographer. unfortunately for the oman job, i didn't get it. so i sent my application n resume to dubai to paolo lim. he said that they were hiring. i haven't heard from him yet.

what's with me this time? i don't know... its almost my 28th birthday... i'm still stuck here at home without a boyfriend.

i hope i could find one asap.hehehe

Open your eyes to love

Just a song that seems just right for me now. i downloaded it this morning without really knowing the way it sounds. just downloaded it because it was from a movie i've seen. nyways, the lyrics hit me. i'm not sure if the song's message is meant for me or something that i want to say to somebody......

LMNT - Open your eyes to love (OST Lizzie Maguire)

You've been searching the world to find true love
Looking in all the wrong places
When all of the time you've been blind to love
As plain as the nose on your faces

It's here, it's now.
Open your eyes and see it.
Right here, right now.
Open your eyes to love.

You've been down on yourself thinking somethings are wrong
Wondering why love has never found you
Don't you know it's been right here all along
If only you'd look around you

It's here, it's now.
Open your eyes and see it.
Right here,right now.
Open your eyes to love.

Love has been right by your side
oh so,close that you could'nt see.
If love could speak it would shout to the sky,
"I've always been here,I always will be."

I'm here,i'm now.
Open your eyes and see.
Right here,right now.
Open your eyes to love.
Open your eyes.....
Open your mind to love
Open your heart to love.

what do you do when the whole world messes you up?

thats how i feel right now. it seems as if the whole world has joined forces in making my life difficult. i don't know where to go anymore, i don't know what i want or what i want to do with my life.

i don't think i'll make into the architecture world. i've wasted my time and efforts in becoming an architect. i think i want to leave davao and work in manila. i need a fresh start. i need a new place where i can be no one, where i have no achievements and no one will expect anything from me.

why do i always end up running away? why do i always seek escape?

finally i admit it!

hahahaha after several weeks/ months of being in denial, i finally admitted it. i do like my close friend, __________. i am not yet sure if i am falling in love with him or already in love with him. im just sure that i do like him. the feelings are not yet that strong but i guess it will since i have already admitted out loud to a few chosen friends.

i don't want to fall in love with him. he's __________! for God's sake. he's not my type and i'm sure i'm not his type either. so why the heck did i fall for him? i found him cute when we first met but i wasn't really attracted to him. he wasn't that cute really and the smoker's habit is not exactly my thing.

how it all started? we had common friends already, we've been introduced. but we don't talk with each other. we became close friends primarily because of the yearbook. we ended up working and hanging out together most of the time. the yearbook really started it all, we both never expected that we'd become this close. we had the yearbook screening last year sometime august (maybe september). we both have strong personalities, we just can't keep our mouths shut. nyways, after that screening, i had to go to cityhall for my thesis and he went along with me. he also had an arki project that he needed to finish. so we went to cityhall together and did what we had to follow up. however, he had to go to PTA for more research. he asked me if i had anything else to do and if i could accompany him. i wasn't that busy and was too bored to go home so i went with him. we got along fine. he was talkative and we could easily get into a conversation. we had fun talking with the engineer in charge with the PTA project.

so that's how our friendship started. we have been talking about a lot of things, from lovelife to family to friends to ideas and hobbies. well, most of the time he does the talking and i do the listening. he even tells me about his past experiences with girlfriends and sexcounters. i asked him one time why he was telling me all those stories. i wasn't interested on knowing what happened to him and his ex gfs nor did not even ask him to share it to me. he just went on and told me about it. he is so comfortable with me and sometimes i don't mind letting him do the babbling. through all of his talks and stories, i've gotten to know more about him and even got to understand him better than he understands himself.

my relationship with him? hmmm... we're cool with each other. we have no expectations from each other in the love relationship aspect. we're just good friends even if a lot of people doubt our true realtionship and find us perfect for each other. they think since we're both short, we're look cute together and we seem to have this compatibility in terms of hobbies and family life. we're both youngest kids in the family and have tendencies to be spoiled. the point is, we have a lot in common. i don't exactly understand what other people see when we are together. we seem to emit this certain thing that makes them think that he's my boyfriend. we're not even sweet to each other. we've never held hands. well we did, but he had to help me climb up the hill at lolengs. he's actually a very sweet and malambing kind of guy. but not to me. maybe i project something that does not encourage him to be. or maybe he respects me too much or simply scared to do so. we've had several arguments and disagreements. he had gotten a dose of my silent treatment warfare. i already sensed that time that something must be going on, since i know that the silent treatment mood was just for people who really knows me and i feel strongly for. it would something i'd do to my family, closest friends and boyfriend. it lasted for more than a month. we got talking again during my thesis defense and everything went ok for us again. there was a time when we met up at the arki office with our yearbook friends. they told me that __________ had been talking of nobody else but me. i didnt think about it that time, i was too busy with my thesis. but i do remember the look in his face when our friend told me about it. he looked embarassed and guilty, pissed off that our friend told the 'truth'. i'm not sure how i should i interpret that.

i knew i missed him when i went out of the country for two weeks. i kept thinking about him then. i daydreamed that maybe when i get back, he'll be missing me also and finally profess confess his feelings for me. hahhahaa i really am this romantic idealist. anyways, that didn't happen. i just brought myself back to reality. he's _______ and i'm not his type. wake up girl!!! he's not even your type and why are you falling for him?!

so what now? we are still good friends. i don't sense any romantic feelings coming from him. whenever we meet up with someone who asks if we are on a date, he doesn't exactly burst out to clarify our relationship. he just calmly says we're not dating. unlike me, i would automatically say "we're not dating" or "we're cousins, that's incest." last saturday, kadayawan, aying of midtown texted him and asked who was the girl he was dating. i think he saw us together taking pictures. ________ told me about the text message. i was looking over to the camera he was holding and also got a view of his celphone. he was typing a reply. i just got to read the first line. "dili uso ang date2 ron." i don't know what went after that line.

i got to first admit that i liked him was to weng. "i don't want to fall in love with ______" that's what i told her. but i already am. what's holding me back? its just not me, not in my personality to go and tell a guy i like him. i am scared of being rejected and losing a friend. i would rather have him as a friend as for the moment. he's leaving for dubai sometime in september. part of me thinks that i shouldn't tell him because i don't want him to feel any pain of leaving someone behind. that is, if our feelings are actually mutual. i am not sure if i could handle a long distance relationship. it would have its advantages for me but i'm not sure if i could really handle it. i also don't trust him with my heart. he's your typical polygamous guy.

maybe he's not exactly my type. maybe he's not the guy for me...... but still i like him.

in betweens

in between apprentice jobs....
in between choosing who to love
in between what i said and what i want to take back
in between faith and agnosticism
in between falling in love and loving
in between no and maybe
in between growing up and growing old


where does d line in between end?

crossroads

spent the morning playing badminton. its so much better to play with people who plays much better than you. you get to practice better and play better. it was fun, will join them again next sunday.


i don't know where i am going now? will ask tta sylvia if she has a need for apprentice tomorrow. if she doesn't have, maybe i'll just for the GK results. but in the meantime, i'm searching for another job. if searching is asking your friends. i don't know how i will look for a job when i'm stuck in the house babysitting for my niece. i am open to other opportunities already. i dont mind working outside davao or the philippines for that matter. hay! if i could only find or have a job asap.

career, profession or passion?

i just submitted my application letter and resume kanina sa center. i still am not 100% sure that i really wanna work there as a ftw still. i have my doubts. i chatted with jonathan kanina and he just told me to go for it, "His blessings will be bountiful" (or something like that). i trust jonathan and his advices to me. he's one of the few guys you can really talk to and trust and give good judgment and give you sound advice. anyways, i did submit it kanina but i wasn't able to talk with tito vic. he was busy.

i have my doubts with working for gk. i am not so sure of where my heart is right now. i am just holding on to that dream i had before, to that passion that pushed me to finish architecture. i strived to finish architecture because i want to serve as an architect to GK. right now, i am not so sure if i still feel the same way, if the calling is there. advantages of working for GK, i would not have much prob with my co-workers. we have the same ideals despite the different attitudes etc. i wouldn't be wayward. i am scared of working outside because of the co-workers. i have seen how they get together and spend their time. do i have to be like them to like them? maybe i am just making sure that i am safe and secure. i am in my comfort zone if i work for GK in terms of people. but for its disadvantages, i am not sure of what i will learn. yes, tita sylvia MIGHT or COULD be there to serve as a mentor. but i am not so confident of what i could be fully learning as a FTW. i need to know of how to be an architect. i need to be properly exposed to architecture in preparation for my board exam which is in less than 2 years. the months and days go so fast. i haven't achieved things good for my career these past four months.

if i do work outside, i still am scared. i am scared of finding out how mediocre i am. i am scared of knowing that i don't know enough. simple, i'm scared of the outside world. people see me differently. they think that i can do it, i know more than they do cause i was the whiz kid in school. they see me as a confident person who has good skills and can actually make it into the architecture profession. i don't think i can. i am so scared of failing. again. i am scared. and i don't know who to turn to. a lot of people are on my mind. but i just can't tell them. i can't find the perfect time to tell them. they think i am okay of where i am. but they just don't get it. i am simply scared of going out of my comfort zone. heck! i could just be the yaya of my niece and other coming pamangkins. that would be comfortable and simple for me. i could do that. but i won't and i can't. that would be such a failure for my part. nag-aral pa ako ng sampung taon?!

so what should i do? yeah! i know, i should pray and discern for this. its a big decision. but do i still pray?

i still think of him

i had a bad dream one night. the dream was about the arki board exams and we were in the design part already. i was in my table and read the design problem. i panicked and was only able to draw a single horizontal line. i cried. i woke up and guess who i thought of first.... Kaloy.

he always comforted me and boosts my confidence. he knows my weaknesses and knows how to encourage me when i feel really down. why him? is he really the one for me? i sometimes think that he isn't, sometimes he is. as i looked back on our relationship, i now know that i'm the one who made the mistake. he had his faults and i made it worse because i couldn't accept him as he is. i was a perfectionist and i had my ideals in a relationship. is it wrong to have standards or ideals? what if it is not met, would it be wrong to end the relationship because the standards are not met?

i need somebody to talk to but sometimes my friends could not help me find the answers. or maybe i just don't like their answers.

i am a head over heart person. i would rather do things base on what i think rather on what i feel.

moving but i don't know where

i have to make my move. i'm pretty stagnated here in the house. sometimes i feel like i didn't have to finish my degree in architecture coz all i'll ever be is the yaya of my niece. i'm scared to work outside the philippines. i'm scared of what i'll discover about myself. i am not that confident with what i know and what i could do. i am scared to discover my mediocrity and that i was pretending all along that i was good in arhitecture. i wish i could stay in the classrooms. i am much more confident in studying and taking exams.

i want to get out of the house and move to singapore or dubai. but there's a prob, i am scared and worried and unconfident.

i had trouble sleeping one night. i had a lot of ideas then. i wanted to write two things. one was a story about my friendship with patrick and sha2 entitled "the story of three". i planned to create with our pictures throughout the schoolyear. the 2nd idea was to write something about what i learned while working for the yearbook. it would be something like "what i learned in kindergarten". i just discovered that in any group or organization, it would always be friendship that is important. not the activities, not the meetings but the the friendship.

best friends falling in love?

what do you do when your best friend (opposite sex) tells you that he liked you? even during the time he had a girlfriend who was also your friend.

what do you say to him if he tells you that "sana ikaw na lang yung girlfriend ko?"

what do you conclude when he often says i love you my best friend?

why would tell your best friend you missed her?

what happens if both of you fall in love with each other?

things could get complicated, that's one thing i'm sure about. he's my friend's ex-boyfriend and i'm his friend's ex-girlfriend. we shared our relationship problems before and up to now.

yeah, i do like him. of course i do, he wouldn't be my best friend if i didn't right? but how much do i like him? i choose not to answer that question right now.

we keep in touch through text. i pour out my heartaches to him and he's there when i need somebody to talk to. before i forget, he has a girlfriend. i know his gf knows i exist. we already had an exchange of text messages before due to his ex-girlfriend's situation. nyways, i'm not sure if this current girlfriend knows who i really am in his life.

i never thought of falling in love with him before or he would fall in love with me. he was my friend, we both had our own relationships. what changed it all was his sudden confession of "unrequited crush". i didn't see that coming. jeez, i'm not a high school girl. i don't fall in love easily especially with a guy who i treat as my best friend. love is a self-decision. i can decide if i'll like you or if i'll fall in love with you.

why am i confusing myself? its not my problem. if he pursues to change our present platonic relationship, what do i tell him? its complicated simply because of our common set of friends and ex-partners. i do not want create that certain gap between our group.

i'll know what to do when we get in the crossroads of our friendship. i hope...

another new year

i'm still up, as usual doing my thesis. i just had to take a break.

i was listening to dave matthews' songs and i couldn't stop myself from missing my ex-boyfriend. we both like the band and he had given me those mp3s.

generally, i feel okay but there is that certain feeling of emptiness and loneliness. i talk to people but i miss telling/talking with somebody on how my day was. i miss telling that special someone of how i truly feel, what goes on in my head, how tired or sleepy i am. i miss texting sweet nothings. jeez, i'm crying.

do i miss my ex-boyfriend? or do i just miss being in love and being loved?
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i went to the 5th YFC reunion party last saturday. we had a ROCKista theme. everybody (well almost everybody) had a rocker look. it was fun. but i couldn't shake off the feeling of being left out or out-of-place. i cannot fully connect with them anymore. a lot of things had already happened to me and to them. it felt like i didn't know them anymore. i was there but because of the friendship we had before. it just didn't feel like i belong there anymore. i didn't know what to talk with them, i didn't know how their lives are now. i always feel that way. it also felt like that last year. i don't know why. i am not so sure if i'm the one with the problem. yeah, i think its me. i never give myself fully to friends. i never give myself fully to other people. i have always been like this, restrained with regards to friendship. i have never opened up myself to others, not even my best friend in high school or college. if i'd identify somebody who really knew me, it would be my ex-boyfriend.
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have to continue working with my thesis.............

in the middle

some thoughts i've kept in my phone for over a year now.

i wrote it when i was really feeling down and heartbroken.

it was exactly how i felt that time.

i look back, i'm not far from where i've been
i go on my way, down the middle line
this is not right but it seems much better
i'm nowhere but in the middle of somewhere
i will find another way

i know from the beginning when i chose the middle, i'm at the losing end
i chose between faith and love
i tried to do what's right, not see what was left
i'm in the middle, not choosing, losing
ended with nothing

uncertainty

i am having trouble with my thesis. the lot i've chosen has posed a lot of constraints because of its smallness. my classmates have chosen lots ranging from 1 hectare and above, while i chose a 4000 sq. m. lot. now that's a big difference. they have the advantage in terms of design because they have the space to do so.

jeez, i have to wait for my thesis adviser to give me sound and solid advice on what i should do. that would be approximately 10 hours from now. what i decide to do with my thesis depends on what my adviser will say. my whole sem, my graduation depends on what he will say later.

uncertainty... i don't know what his intentions are... i don't really understand why he texts me always... i don't know what he really wants to say, if the messages he sends has more meanings than what was written. or am i just assuming too much? these are just some of the things a girl goes through. waiting for something to happen, waiting till he says the magic words or could be worse, waiting in vain.

where are you going?

december blues

more than a year since i wrote my last blog.

super busy with my thesis. its my last year, last semester (hopefully) in college. i won't give up this time. no matter how difficult, no matter how tired or no matter how disappointed i'll be. THIS IS REALLY IT! i will graduate on March 2007. i'm not tired of schooling, but i'm tired of not having finished my course - architecture. Whew! almost 10 years of architecture.hehehehe

this december is different. i'm lonely but i am so busy. the year had been quite different. i finally got out of shell and enjoyed my UM Arki life. i found and befriended some people who shared the same ideas as i did. i broke up my almost-2-years bf and this was what happened. it was a theraphy for me, i dwelled on the activities and stopped feeling for awhile. i busied my mind so as not to feel the emptiness in my heart. and i did great! i got over the break up real quick and well. i'm so proud of myself.:)

my so-called life

its been quite sometime since i've been to a YFC or SFC activity. the last one i've been to was the SFC Crossover christmas party at ClubMed. i just miss the life that i used to live but had to give up for a while. was very busy then with meetings, plannings, practices and activities related to the community. was one of the so-called YFC ANY-TIMERS of Davao. aside from that, was a SFc core group member and a GK communications team member.

i had 3 weeks of break from my arki design plates. that was when the feeling of boredom and uselessness sank in. i liked the time of doing nothing and resting and catching up on my sleep. but it was boring when in long weeks. 1 week rest would have been enough for me.

what im saying is, i miss the life i had. i miss YFC, i miss the fun, the prayer, the friendship, the laughter, the meetings, the worship, the songs, everything about it.

i had to give it up for a while because of school. i know that there's a bigchance that i may fail again if i misprioritize. i will do it right this time. and hopefully, i could go back to my life before after graduation. just like i dreamt, just like i planned, just like God had planned for me.

When abnormal is normal

i've been so busy the past few days with my design plates. didn't have time to sleep much less write for this blog. i had to do some research for my design exam plate, so i got decided to get online. might as well write a little something for the day.

i changed my blogspot's name to kamote cubes. i lost an hour's sleep thinking of a "cool" name for my blog. i got the name and was able to sleep after that.
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when abnormal is normal...

abnormal is sleeping at 2am or later or worse at 6am.
but its normal for an architecture student or any student for that matter.
its also normal for people who work in those night clubs, bars and other nocturnal areas in the world.

abnormal is eating a lot and not getting an ounce fatter.
but its not for an archi stude. its basically a corollary to lack of sleep.

abnormal is writing this blog when i should be doing my research or get some much needed sleep.
but its normal for an archi stude to procrastinate.
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The First

Happy New Year to Everyone!!!

I already got this acount since june 2004 but this is the first time that i've ever written an entry for the blog. it seems like the best time to start one for me. its the first day of the new year. i thought it would be nice to start writing again my thoughts. i've kept a journal since i was in third year high school. but i've stop writing bout my life, thoughts and emotions for almost 3 years ago. i seem to have this bad luck of losing my journals. i lost a lot of notebooks (my journals) and the journal in my computer. the hardcopies, due to a canal flood. was able to save about 3 notebooks only. the latest notebooks that time (1999-2001). i started a journal in my pc around 2001 also. however, had to do some reformatting and other stuff, wasn't able to save most of my files then.

Losing memories, good or bad, is sad. I liked reading through my journals. Remembering the days before, what i was doing and how i felt those days. I had the habit of reading an entry of the same day the year before. i'd see where i was then and realize that sometimes, i was back at the same problem. its like a routine.

What i write then in high school was so so different from what i wrote in college and what i wrote after my UP Diliman life. How i write is another story. The styles were so different. High school was very childish and immature. Typical dear diary stuff, crushes and run through of the activities of the day, highlights. nothing really heavy. but it was fun to read, as i remember. Twas a Barunson notebook, given by emmylou.

Jeez! i could go on writing. but hey! i gotta go. Thought i'd have a difficult time doing this, but the ideas just seems to flow. I also thought i'd have a difficulty in typing correctly and completely the words, not text messaging style, but i did pretty okay if i may say so myself.hehehe

Happy new year again and I pray that God continues to bless us all.